Just The Tips

1. ALWAYS USE PROTECTION!!! If you don’t know why this is a rule go get tested for an STD right now. Or just take a moment to imagine your hookup as the parent of your child. If that thought keeps you awake at night, then use protection.
Warning: If you’re OK with having a kid with this person, the relationship has passed the point of hooking up and you don’t need to read the rest of this list.

2. Hookups are like vampires; they should never see the light of day. In fact, just to be safe, they should never be seen before 10:30 PM.
Warning: Anytime you put yourself in a position where you have to communicate with one another without having to scream over loud bar music, you are violating the sanctity of the hookup. Communication leads to emotions. Emotions have no place here.

3. Never arrive anywhere with your hookup. After 10:30 PM always meet them at the bar/party/social gathering. That is, if you have to see them in public at all. Ideally, you do not. Ideally, they are a phone call you make during the Uber ride home.
Warning: Arriving anywhere together, to everyone else, means you are together. This eliminates your options if there are better options around. You should never have to depend on your hookup for anything. They are notoriously flakey, unreliable and undependable.

4. Be flakey, unreliable and undependable. When you say that you will call or show up in 15 minutes, really do it in 45. Change your plans often. Be elusive about where you are. Disappear for a day or two.
Warning: A hookup is never a priority; they are not the main course. Rather, try to think of them as dessert. Sometimes you get it, and sometimes you don’t. It will keep them coming back, too. Part of the fun of having a hookup is the challenge of someone who is impossible to pin down. The chase should never die with a hookup.

5. Avoid doing any “boyfriend/girlfriend” activities. Boyfriends/girlfriends are required to do thoughtful, courteous things. Hookups are not. Boyfriends/girlfriends are required to put their own needs aside to accommodate someone else’s. Hookups are not.
Warning: This means no shopping, no help moving, no rides to or from the airport or any other thoughtful actions. Hanging out and not having sex is unacceptable. It could be as simple as watching a baseball game, golfing or going on a weekend ski trip. The minute you start hanging out you start getting to know each other. Getting to know each other leads to feelings for one another, and no one wants that.

6. A hookup should be ended at the first sign of any feelings, either yours or theirs.This is to avoid any serious drama or being ensnared unexpectedly in the trap of a relationship.
Warning: Drunken, teary-eyed confessions of love are not good. Pet names and pillow talk are out, unless it’s dirty. No toe-cuddling, and, unless there is penetration, no spooning either. Excessive text messages or phone calls are also bad news. But the big, flashing neon sign that your hookup is evolving into a relationship is when you start talking about where the relationship is headed. That’s your sign to shit or get off the pot. Get out or go all in. If suddenly you can’t imagine your life without your hookup, it’s time to reevaluate, but it’s not always bad news. Many a great relationship started as an epic fling.