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The time has come to breathe new life into\u00a0Halloween\u00a0\u2014 to replace the confectionary-fuelled fun you enjoyed as a kid with the pheromone-laced action you want as an adult. After all, you probably won\u2019t be spending All Hallows’ Eve donning masks and egging cars outside the house, so shouldn’t you at least be releasing your inner demons inside the bedroom? This is something that is easily done with the help from some Halloween\u00a0sex positions.<\/p>\n
This article is intended for entertainment purposes only; its content should not be taken as practical advice. It\u2019s possible some of these are impractical, dangerous, and perhaps more importantly, may leave you or your partner huddled in a corner, with the warm tears of sexual frustration on your cheeks. Happy Halloween!<\/i><\/p>\nThe Walking Dead<\/h2>\n
Listen, there\u2019s a lot from\u00a0The Walking Dead\u00a0you don\u2019t want to involve in your sex life. I mean, if you\u2019ve seen the show [minor spoilers ahead] you\u2019ll probably never look at barns the same way, and frankly I\u2019m not sure you\u2019ll want to make your next family vacation a camping trip either. On the other hand, nothing says sexy like the \u201ctrough\u201d scene from season five\u2019s premiere “No Sanctuary,” right? Start by having your partner kneel, and then gently but firmly tie their hands behind their back, and maybe their ankles too (use something more comfortable than cable ties, though)! Now at this point you\u2019re probably thinking, surely we\u2019re not about to suggest you attempt to brutally murder your partner, are we?\u201d Well, good news! We\u2019re not. Instead, what we suggest is sitting on a chair (extra points if your chair is actually a trough) in front of your bedmate and then have them give you hands-free oral sex, just like the characters on the show didn\u2019t! Just make sure they\u2019re not a \u201cbiter\u201d!<\/p>\n
Before you start writing us letters about this one, we want to make it clear that we\u2019re not suggesting you set your partner\u2019s head on fire while you do them\u00a0doggy style. No, the Ghost Rider is much more humane. The way it works is that when the you ride your fuckbuddy, you put a white sheet over your head \u2014 all while resisting the overwhelming urge to make vroom vroom motorcycle sounds.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s face it: The last thing that comes to mind when you think about sex is a high-pitched decomposing corpse; but don\u2019t worry, our carnal take on the famous\u00a0Tales from the Crypt\u00a0TV series is much less creepy. In this Halloween sex position, you and your partner make your way under your bed (the \u201ccrypt\u201d) and engage in\u00a0anal sex\u00a0(the \u201ctail\u201d) \u2014 we leave it up to you (the \u201ccrypt keeper\u201d) to decided whether or not you\u2019d like to annoyingly stimulate your partner with scratches to their back. This is one only works if you have a sincere appreciation for early 90s horror cinema, though.<\/p>\n
This move makes for fun foreplay! Ladies, fill up a bathtub, strip down, and get in. Blindfold your partner and have him\/her kneel beside the tub, with their hands tied behind their back. The goal is have your partner bob their head in until he\/she catches your boob in their mouth! This activity is sure to bring out plenty of laughs and splashing around\u2026which is perfect before you guys get down \u2018n dirty! And don\u2019t worry fellas, you can modify the activity and have your partner \u201cbobbing for balls\u201d if you want some fun in the tub.<\/p>\n
In this ingenious brain-dead Halloween sex position, partners start off in a standard\u00a0missionary position, but that\u2019s when things really get dumb \u2014 er, fun. Specifically, neither partner is allowed to use their arms or legs to support themselves during intercourse, leaving both sex-starved individuals grunting, struggling and shaking in order to get off. Let the zombie bonking commence!<\/p>\n
Only a blindfolded eunuch could watch Godzilla movies and not get riled up by the overwhelming sexual tension between Mothra and the radioactive lizard. That\u2019s why we\u2019re suggesting you and your partner try out the \u201cMonster Mash\u201d this Halloween. The premise is simple, but potentially expensive, depending on the cost of the outfit you\u2019re willing to invest in. Go down the\u00a0costume\u00a0shop, pick out costumes for you and your partner, then cut out sections around the genitals in each costume. We assume you possess the filthy mind to deduce the naughty act that should follow.<\/p>\n
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Jack-o\u2019-lanterns are supposed to act as guides for lost spirits in the night. But in our twisted minds, they act as beacons for downright nasty things. While your girl is painting her face with orange and black makeup, you\u2019ll cut a hole in a box to act as the table. Your girl will kneel down with her pumpkin-looking head poking out of the hole. You\u2019ll stand in front of her, aim for the gaping black grin and put a candle of a different kind into the mouth of this jack-o\u2019-lantern.<\/p>\n
Eye of newt, toe of frog\u2026 unless you\u2019re completely bonkers, this stuff probably doesn\u2019t turn you on. But here for Halloween is the first-ever sexy witch’s brew. Though swingers would probably have an easier time accomplishing this one, but your girlfriend and the girl she kissed in college will hopefully suffice. The key to this position is all in the setup (and Halloween’s lack of inhibitions): Fill a hot tub with brown food colouring, novelty eyeballs, Gothic candles, and two revved-up\u00a0bisexual\u00a0females. The bonus in this one is the post-witch’s brew shower, in which you\u2019ll either get to clean your partners or sit back and watch evil take its course.<\/p>\n
Have a great Halloween everybody. Why not share your favourite sex position in the comments. \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n
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