Swoon.<\/em> Who we don\u2019t like as much are dicks: men who like to boss around women outside the confines of the bedroom. Nope. We didn\u2019t come this far to be told what to do, pal. <\/span><\/p>\nThe type of man often associated with this sort of power-hungry domination is the fabled alpha male. Oxford defines one as \u201ca man tending to assume a dominant or domineering role in social or professional situations.\u201d The alpha male is a stereotype\u2014a caricature of idealized masculinity. He\u2019s a frat boy, a high-strung Wall Street dick hole, a vein-popping muscle dude clenching his asshole and staring at himself in the mirror at the gym. For the alpha, dominance is displayed and never hidden. How else will anyone know you\u2019re the most powerful man in the room if you\u2019re not crushing beer cans into your head or calling the girl next to you a cunt?<\/p>\n
For some, being a dominant man isn\u2019t about being loud and crude, nor is it a flaunting of wealth and strength. Non-alpha dominant men are the people we count on to get shit done without a fuss. Rather than display their self-assured power like peacocks on steroids, they\u2019re more likely to hang back from the crowd to ensure everyone is safe and happy. They are our protectors, our funny, capable friends, our cool-headed debaters and our rational, can-do leaders. These assertive men understand that listening, compassion and a respect for the boundaries of others does not diminish their power but solidifies their authority as trusted men in our communities.<\/p>\n
But what about under the covers? Is it possible to be a perfect gentleman in the streets without conceding your own dominance in the sheets? Even actor Armie Hammer, a confident, six-foot-five, alpha-esque brute has questioned this \u00a0\u201cI used to like to be a dominant lover. I liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that. But then you get married and your sexual appetites change. And I mean that for the better\u2014it\u2019s not like I\u2019m suffering in any way. But you can\u2019t really pull your wife\u2019s hair\u2026if you\u2019re married to a feminist. It gets to a point where you say, \u201cI respect you too much to do these things that I kind of want to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
But can you be both? A sexually dominant dude who also respects women? The answer is yes, of course you can, you sexy feminist you.<\/p>\n
Though sexually expressing yourself may seem inherently disempowering to women, as a fairly dominant young woman I can tell you that boy-oh-boy, do I love being tossed around by a man in the bedroom. Yes, out of the bedroom I love a good intellectual tussle and am happy to confront men on their irrational bullshit that only serves to hold me down\u2014but in the bedroom? Hold me down, daddy! Hold. Me. Down. Pull my hair, slap my cheeks, take me by the throat and fuck me like a man!<\/em><\/p>\nOf course, you can\u2019t just club a woman, toss her over your shoulder and take her back to your man cave. These days, a man\u2019s gotta use his words to woo a woman, and it turns out such a conversation is a little easier said than done. So here are some handy-dandy tips to ensure you have free reign to be the dominant man you want to be in the bedroom later, without being a total dick now.<\/p>\n
\nTELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT<\/strong>
\nI know: Asking permission to satisfy your needs can be tedious. There\u2019s a game prospective lovers play as they sniff each other\u2019s butts to gauge interest, and most of it doesn\u2019t require talking. There\u2019s eye contact, smiling, a friendly touch or two. A little ribbing and a belly laugh later and you are convinced this woman wants to fuck you. How could she not? You\u2019re hilarious! So what now? Do you force-feed her liquor until she\u2019s drunk enough to say yes, or do you make your intentions clear?<\/p>\nBeing direct about your sexual aims from the onset is a great way to avoid the horrors of the Friend Zone. Even though you know all you<\/em> want is sex, or even a romantic relationship, this woman may be prone to the foolish assumption that what you seek is friendship, not conquest. To be friends with a woman is to consider her your equal; otherwise, she is but another obstacle to overcome. Playing the long game of \u201cfriendship\u201d and stating your true feelings later on, only to get mad at her for not reciprocating, will make you a dick. Don\u2019t be a dick. Muster up the courage and be direct.<\/p>\nOne way of doing that is by saying, \u201cWow, you\u2019re fun. And extremely attractive. And by that I mean smoking hot. I would love to take you home tonight, but if that\u2019s not something you\u2019re into that is totally cool, too. I just honestly enjoy your company.\u201d<\/p>\n
You could also say, “So, you\u2019re coming over to my place, right? I bought all your drinks tonight so you do kind of owe me,\u201d but that would make you sound like a dick, wouldn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n
STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN<\/strong>
\nYou\u2019ve cast your line and made your move. Now it\u2019s her turn. What\u2019s she doing? Is she awkwardly looking into her empty pint glass for a way out of this conversation? Has the color drained from her face or is she grinning from ear to ear? More importantly, what is she saying?<\/p>\nShe could say, \u201cYeah, I like that idea,\u201d and you\u2019d be good as golden. But she could also say, \u201cDude, I\u2019m just out with friends. I don\u2019t owe you shit,\u201d or maybe, \u201cI like your company, too, but I\u2019d prefer to not move that fast.\u201d Or still, she could say, \u201cNo thanks, I\u2019m not interested.\u201d If any of that occurs\u2026<\/p>\n
ACCEPT NO AS AN ANSWER<\/strong>
\nIt\u2019s easy to be so clouded by a raging boner that you may not even hear her say, \u201cNo.\u201d Maybe you heard, \u201cTry again, pal! A little harder this time! We can\u2019t abort the mission now, look how far we\u2019ve come!\u201d<\/p>\nA woman\u2019s \u201cNo\u201d is not an obstacle to getting your dick wet. It is a legal line that crossed could lead to jail time. Consent is not a game.<\/p>\n
Maybe you think this whole asking-for-permission business zaps the fun out of seduction. Asking for consent means risking rejection, and you, of all people, hate being rejected. So you ply her with drinks to lower the risk of her saying no. You display your wealth, strength and social and professional dominance to lower the risk of her saying no. You play the fake friendship game to lower the risk of her saying no. So she says no. So what? No<\/em> doesn\u2019t make you a failure. A “no\u201d just means persistence is futile. Quit while you\u2019re ahead, man.<\/p>\nWhile the alpha male is more likely to push the boundaries of a woman until she says yes because he finds sexual rejection humiliating, the assertive gentleman is more likely to respect a woman\u2019s wishes, safe in the knowledge that he has not pressured her into something she doesn\u2019t want to do.<\/p>\n
SHE SAID YES!<\/strong>
\nTouchdown, baby. You\u2019ve made it to the bedroom, or the couch, or the kitchen floor. Congrats! This is where communication is at its most important. If you\u2019re a dominant man, you\u2019re gonna love doing dominant man stuff like pulling her hair, lightly choking her throat, slapping her across the face, spitting in her mouth, tying her up, you get the picture. Obviously, you need to get her permission before venturing out of the vanilla sex zone. Anything less may be grounds for sexual assault, so be mindful.<\/p>\nOne way to get consent is to have a sexy preliminary conversation that will turn both of you on.<\/p>\n
You:<\/strong> \u201cDo you like getting your hair pulled?\u201d
\nHer:<\/strong> \u201cYeah, I love it.\u201d
\nYou:<\/strong> \u201cHow about getting choked?\u201d
\nHer:<\/strong> \u201cNo one\u2019s ever really done that, but I\u2019m open to trying it.\u201d
\nYou:<\/strong> \u201cEver gotten slapped?\u201d
\nHer:<\/strong> \u201cBy girls in elementary school, but never by a man.\u201d
\nYou:<\/strong> \u201cYou wanna try it?\u201d
\nHer:<\/strong> \u201cUmm, I\u2019m not sure. Maybe?\u201d
\nYou:<\/strong> \u201cWe could have a safe word if you get uncomfortable in the moment.\u201d
\nHer:<\/strong> \u201cOkay, yeah. Let\u2019s do that. My safe word is chicken teriyaki.<\/em>\u201d
\nYou:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re so fucking hot. Let\u2019s fuck.\u201d
\nHer:<\/strong> \u201cTake me, you beast!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nBoom-chicka-boom-boom. For the sake of demonstrative purposes, we have assumed that our submissive lady friend is new to being dominated, but make no mistake: it\u2019s more likely you\u2019ll meet many experienced women who enjoy a dominant man.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s no reason to relinquish one\u2019s preference for sexual dominance so long as permission has been granted. And there are many, many women who want you, just the way you are. Just don\u2019t be a fucking dick.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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